You're The Alpha Omega

unkaglen:

Let’s face it, dating is a modern cultural phenomenon. The Bible doesn’t say anything about it, because dating as we know it today didn’t exist back then. So can we still apply the Bible to the modern cultural phenomenon of dating? You bet. But it won’t work to try and rewrite the rules of dating to make it more righteous, and that’s not how mature Christians handle things anyway.

We don’t need the right rules for Christian dating, we need the right goals for Christian dating.

Here’s how we do it— we start with a healthy, loving, functional Christian marriage (which the Bible says a lot about), and then work our way backwards. That is to say, if we know where we want to land, then we design dating to be the thing that takes us directly from here to there. Simple.

So let’s look at the elements of a healthy Christian marriage:

Teamwork and companionship. First and foremost, you’re forming a team that can serve the Lord better together, than you could serve Him separately. This means that every member does his or her part, it means we need to be able to trust one another. Nobody comes into this picture the eternally weak victim, and the other the eternal giver of attention and sympathy.

This is a team. We watch each other’s backs, we take up the slack when the other one is hurting. We divide the load and carry it together. So why not start developing this teamwork element in the dating process? Secular dating is often about two very independent people coming together, but Christian marriage is about forming a unit that works together to bring glory to the Lord.

Mutual encouragement in your walk. Not everyone can be a strong encouragement to us in our walk. It takes some character and some spiritual maturity to really be able to spiritually uplift that other person in a meaningful way. We need to get to know this other person, to know all their faults, as well as their strengths. 

That would tell me that dating should be about (eventually) letting down our guard, and being vulnerable about our struggles and weaknesses. We should strive to find a way to begin to actually minister to each other in simple little ways. To find ways of not just encouraging the other person, but to really hit the nail on the head when encouraging them. And to be able to do the same with all aspects of this person’s walk.

Strong boundaries. All relationships need healthy boundaries. And marriage should have the strongest of them all. There is a wide range of ugly behavior that you should consider unthinkable within your married life. Dating should be a sort of training ground for all that. 

Where do we draw these boundaries? Do we listen to our hormones? Do we get super-strict? Or do we go really crazy and pray about it? What happens when we violate those boundaries? Who was supposed to be keeping watch on those boundaries? Dating should be about learning to answer all these questions.

Understanding and sympathy. I don’t know why this is, but I can put up with a whole lot of troubles in life, if I have a little sympathy and understanding. My urban ministry job (which I love more than the air I breathe) is stressful like you can’t imagine, and one day it was really getting to me, so I said to my wife, “I’m stressed, do something!” Without a word, she lifted her shirt and flashed me.

Now THAT is ministry. 

Well, of course I’m not suggesting that you flash the person you’re dating, but I am saying that because my wife had understanding and sympathy for my situation, she knew exactly what to do. Dating should be about listening and trying to see the other person’s side of things. As 1 Cor. 13 says, “love is not self seeking”.

Healthy sex life. (Speaking of flashing) Anyway, every Christian couple’s counselor asks the same question, when they sit down with a couple for the first time: “how often are you two having sex?” They do, I promise. That intimacy and connection and release of tension is really important. 

So when you’re dating, it’s about praying through where those physical boundaries are, and keeping them. But it’s also about enjoying the stuff that God says is okay, and it’s about entering marriage, and your sex life, without any guilt or shame, because you’ve worked all that out before you got married. 

…When you look at all this, you can see that there’s a lot to get done in your dating life. So you really shouldn’t get started with that unless you’re ready to put in the effort, and you feel like this person could be the right fit for all of the above. And you break off a dating relationship when the relationship veers from these goals, and you can’t seem to get it back on track.

It’s about the goals, not the rules.